The Stories We Tell Ourselves


One thing that makes love so difficult is that you have to experience it. Trust me, watching the soap opera General Hospital when I was in high school did not help me at all in forming my expectations about love. I was like Cinderella when I got married. I had my vision of love all mapped out in my head. Funny my husband did not have that same map.

There came a time when I began focusing on what didn’t work in our relationship. Of course it was his entire fault right? Okay, not really! Have you ever found yourself focusing on the negative aspects of your relationships, “If he’d only listen to me… If she’d only stop nagging me…” Recognize these thoughts? It is real easy to make love messy, confusing, and complicated isn’t it? Have you ever said this before,“Our relationship is so hard!” Usually we say this when our perceptions of love have taken on patterns of behavior or thoughts that are negative and unhealthy. These patterns do not serve us well.

One perception I had was that since I never saw my parents fight growing up I thought love does not fight. I became silently resentful instead.Wow, like that was any better!

I had another perception of love that I was way off on. I am adopted. My belief was that my birth mother was weak and selfish and she didn’t love me because she gave me up. That was the story I told myself and I believed it. Years later, when I volunteered at CareNet Pregnancy Resource Center, I had the opportunity to speak to a young lady in the same situation. Before I met her, I told myself she was just like my birth mother: weak, scared, selfish, and did not love her baby because she was going to give her baby up. When I went to talk to her she shared with me about how she participated in an open adoption by choosing her babies adoptive parents. She told me that she secretly named the baby Mattie. When the day came for her to give birth the three of them gathered together and when the child was born the new mother to be whispered, “Do you mind if we name the baby Mattie?” Later the new parents called this young lady up and told her that because she had given them life now they wanted to give her life by paying for her college. Now that’s a miracle.

This story was so powerful to me because it changed my perception about my birth mother. I had believed she was weak, selfish and unloving. In reality, I now believe she was really courageous and loving. My birth mother loved me because she choose to give me life.

Do you have negative stories written in your mind? Do you rehash the story over and over and still believe it? Negative stories need to be rewritten. They are not serving you because you are hanging on to energy that is holding you captive. Usually these painful stories of disappointment and hurt need help being rewritten.  If you would like help please reach out to me by email.

Your self talk matters also. What lies do You tell yourself? Do you say to yourself, “I am unlovable” or “I am not worthy?” Your self-talk will become your reality. When your self-talk is negative, you need to rewrite that story as well. You have to change your reality by changing your language. If you say to yourself, “I am unlovable” or “I am unworthy” change your language and say, “I am lovable” and “I am worthy”. Say, “I deserve unconditional love.” What you believe about yourself and your marriage you will manifest. Change your thoughts and you will change your marriage.

Nancy Burroughs
Inspirational Speaker and Relationship Coach